staring into the face of unconditional love...

I couldn't sleep a week ago because I knew I needed to get up early, pack and head to Tacoma for at least the next week or so. Of course the other reason I couldn't sleep was that I typically don't go to bed until well after midnight.

Now usually when I cannot sleep, I start thinking about all kinds of things and this night was no different. I suppose you can call it anti-dreaming. Anyway, my mind was drifting from one thought to another; where I would be looking for a place to live, would I be working enough hours at my job or would I need to arrange to work in an office to do more loans, would drill go well and how would all of that work out, and of course there is always time to consider how to solve the mystery of the fairer sex!

So ordinarily when my mind drifts to the wide world of women I am thinking of someone specific, perhaps someone new who caught my eye and who knows, maybe my hopes are even getting raised for one reason or another, but being that I am moving to a new city—and who knows what else—I seemed to be thinking less specifically (as if of someone I know or knew) and more metaphysically.

I wanted to let that word sink in for a moment because I wouldn't want anyone reading this to skim over it to fast. Obviously there is an immediate question that should come to mind, if you do not pass over it in haste to get to the next random thought to pass through these fingertips to the keys. So maybe you know and maybe you are a bit like me and the word only vaguely conjures loosely connected thoughts and memories of hearing that word used in and out of context. Perhaps this is either or both of those, but I will explain how I mean to use the term in the paragraphs that follow.

I don't know what everyone believes when it comes to relationships—especially those of the romantic variety—and there are certainly numerous schools of thought and even some notions void of reason that seem to work just fine for those who subscribe to them, but many seem in some way or another to attribute much of their lives to things outside their control. Some may refer to it as destiny, others perhaps dharma; then when it comes to their love-lives they might refer to another as "the one" or their "soul mate." While I would not want to disregard any truth, however small, that may hide deep inside the meaning of these words, I do not find myself rushing into line to buy what Disney is selling.

So why would my mind wander to think of a woman who only theoretically exists? Why would I personify her in my mind as someone I almost know?

I cannot answer that anymore than I can clearly explain who she is. Yet that night it was as if I were able to escape the limitations of the physical world—and the limits of the rational mind—and connect with the person I am to marry at some point in the future. Sound weird? It gets weirder, though probably not as weird as you might be starting to think! Please, this is PG folks.

Imagine you were able to somehow able to communicate with someone outside of your present space—perhaps even your self at some point in the future. What would you say? What kind of questions might you ask?

No sooner did I begin to sense this connection with this person than my mind began to run through all the questions I probably could have asked and I crossed them out one by one as I realized most of them were irrelevant. Why were they irrelevant?

Imagine with me that this person is real. This person exists in the same time you exist, though not in the same space obviously. Imagine also that in another time you exist in the same space also. This is a real person with their own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, desires, and their own past, present and future. Many of the questions I might have asked seemed insensitive at the moment. Perhaps I could've asked who she was, why we haven't met (or if we have met, why we haven't really noticed each other or whatever the situation really is), but no sooner would I consider asking this than I came to conclude that it may not be a question she could answer. She may be asking the same questions herself.

Suppose then that you begin to wonder what kind of person she might be. Certainly curiosity might get the best of you and would you be to blame if it did? Then I thought; does it really matter? If she is the person I chose, if she is the person I waited this long (and who knows how much longer) for then she must be worth it. No sooner did consider this than I began to imagine that she may be equally curious about me. Do I live up to her expectations? Who was she in her youth and what dreams did she have for her life? Was it me she was dreaming about or did life have to crush her dreams and replace them with reality? Did she settle for me? I would hope not, but how would I really know?

So I could keep going. This went on for a short while. I wouldn't say we talked as one would in the physical world. That's the weird thing about metaphysics; nothing is really quite the same as what you might otherwise relate it to. While I would classify this as communication it was more about making each other's presence known and about being known and realizing the knowing. When this was over I was left with many thoughts running through my mind, not the least of which was trying to make sense of it.

Imagine knowing there is someone out there looking for you. Imagine also that this is the person you have been looking for yourself. The main problem I have with looking at this as "destiny" or your "soul mate" is that these concepts exist in a linear reality and obey its rules. They presume that there is one person out there for you and this is the person you will simply randomly find?

The (admittedly) subtle difference between those lines of thinking and what I experienced is that I choose this person and she chooses me. Not now; then. Soon I hope. Anyway, I still believe that life is what you make it. You are responsible for the choices you make and you are the one that must live with those choices. Yet as soon as these choices involve another, the other must live with them as well (and you with theirs).

The only reassurance I received from this experience was that there may well be a reason why we couldn't have found each other sooner. I know that I am always becoming and I must assume that she is becoming as well. I can only assume that had we found each other sooner we would not likely have chosen to build this connection that we no doubt some day will. So life is about opportunity and about timing, but ultimately it is about taking the risks to discover the opportunities when the time comes. So really, have I been waiting for her or she for me or have we merely been waiting for the right time and place where our paths finally cross?

So if this does not make sense to anyone, please let me know. I may revise it in the future as I think more on the subject. I just thought after a week I might have mulled it over enough to at least put it down on binary.

Peace,

Brian