29 December 2007

new years eve... nings...

i know it's been a very long time since my last report on living in the edge of insanity, but with the year nearing a close it seems as good a time as any to reflect. ben gibbard is doing a fine job facilitating that, though i sometimes think maybe he's the cause of my wavering sanity, though he is almost certainly entirely unaware of that fact.

so as i back up the title track of "transatlanticism" (an album i am coming to appreciate even more in light of current events) i will mull over 2007 while my cookies cool and my toes whine about not being under the sheets even as the sheets are very near!

i don't suppose 2007 started with any surprises. i had a new job and was living in a trailer. quite literally, i was at an old friend's house watching scary movies (none of which were on my netflix list) and wondering what the future might bring, if the movie back to tacoma was really the right thing or not, and if the vodka i had brought to the party had sufficiently chilled out in the host's freezer.

i do suppose like any year i avoided making any measurable resolutions as i tend to refuse that there is much of anything in my life that i really want to change (regardless if that is true or not), but inevitably wondering if this might be the year i meet ms right or even ms right now. if i remember correctly, i hoped, but anticipated not. i am certain i expected not!

how things turned out then would be impossible to predict at that point. needless to say i didn't meet ms right now, not even close. in fact, the ms i met is anything but right now, more like someday soon if i play my cards right and avoid sabotoging things in the mean time. she may in fact be ms right though, but isn't that just the damning misery of it all? thank you ben, i knew you would understand. ok maybe you don't, but ben does.

see the problem (if it qualifies as such) is that i might have just gotten what i want and now i should be kicking myself for asking for it. i always wanted a woman with strong opinions, intelligence, wit, humor, and a bit of graciousness. sure she's all of those things but could she be too much so? eh, well hopefully the answer is there cannot be too much of those things where i'm concerned, but i'm afraid there may be. please don't misunderstand, i'm glad she's not a bimbo or clingy or manipulative. however, i could be alone on this, but i'm almost certain that most men are just insecure enough to need to feel a little more important than we really are, and sometimes i wonder just how needed i am.

the thing about the strong independent type is just that, they don't really need us. they may occasionally carry on about how much they like us, how much they want us, but never need. the thing about liking and wanting is that they are intermittent where needs are constant.

so i believe i have gotten what i wanted this year but it has meant sacrificing the same for the next year--at least in the form i would have liked it to take. the woman i love is going to spend a year in quite possibly the most remote part of the state and once again distance rears its ugly head. i suppose the benefits of age are that time and distance are much more relative than they are in the freshness of youth. still, while this is all new and exciting for her, for me it's far less than that. i get to go back to having the highlight of each day being whether or not work is less stressful than usual. i go back to monotony and possibly more intense depression only occasionally alleviated by the rationalization that somewhere my love waits for me (though i'm sure she'll have plenty of distractions from the waiting).

so this is me hoping for a faster than usual new year. this is me hoping 2008 breezes by and i suddenly wake up and realize it's 2009. of course she's hoping for more than that; that i'll accomplish things while she's gone, grow, perhaps finally figure out what the heck i'm doing with my life! i'm not sure i can handle all of that in a year i hope goes faster than any i've experienced so far (crap, is this a leap year too).

ben says "information travels faster in the modern age as our days are crawling by so slowly." the irony of this is while we may share emails she will prefer old fashioned letters and i will have to polish up my handwriting skills.

so sorry if i end up blogging you all to death to cure the boredom. also very sorry if this all turns to mush, gush, and pouting for a year straight. i'll certainly try to come up with interesting things to say if for no other reason, to keep my mind fresh and off the subjects of space and time.

i might need a drink. no time though, i am due to pseudo-dance in half an hour!

the cookies smell good, too bad you can't get a whiff!