just a thought...

I took a trip down to the university campus today to see if I could chat with someone about my future in their program. I guess that isn't how things are done, but I am used to having total access. I don't think I ever had to make an appointment to see a professor or drop in on someone in all my years of college. Why start now?

Anyway, I picked up more information about my top two choices for graduate programs and then I went home somewhat discouraged.

One reason for my disappointment is that even if there are no hiccups in the admissions process I wouldn't be able to start either program until fall. See I had hoped to jump in at any point and start plucking away at it as early as late March when the spring quarter usually begins. Then of course there is summer. Fall seems SOOOOOOOOOO far away to me right now. I mean, there are a thousand things that could come up between now and then that might make me change my mind, why would I want to plan something that far out.

Then there is the issue that when I was in this faculty advisors office talking about her program it hit me that I really have no idea WHY I would want to study her program. Then all the way home and since getting home I've been racking my brain trying to think of why I would want a Masters in Interdisciplinary Studies. It sounds appealing for some reason but what do you do with it? I made a decision a long time ago to spend no more money on education that does not have a very clear and logical link toward my progressing professionally and financially. I already pay a lot every month for the previous ten years of enlightenment, why punish my future self even more unless it is clearly justifiable.

So what does a person do with this kind of degree? Their literature shows pictures of ordinary folk who are know deans or heads of departments in government agencies large and small or perhaps even non-governmental social service organizations of some kind. They say it is for those seeking a future of public service, political service or even political action groups. While they claim no focus it seems to somewhat revolve around managing social change or otherwise making the world a better place. In other words its anything but an MBA which is often seen as the get-rich-quick infomercial to the MAIS' informational and educational programming.

Does that make any sense to you? Me either! Maybe if I sit in on a course I'll know better, but what troubles me is that I cannot answer a question as simple as "what do you want to do with your life." I honestly have no idea. I only work in the lab because I cannot think of another thing I am good enough at to make as much money as I can at this. I would just assume wash cars if I thought it paid as well. I've never been good at sales or anything that involves selling (which is why I stay clear of evangelism and evangelists) and that explains why I couldn't do much with the wild world of finance. Sure I am perfectly capable of grasping the math as well as the process but even loans have to be sold to the customer as well as to the banks (although they like to think you are are their customer, once you get into an individual case you are pitching a client to them which means you are trying to warm them up to the idea of doing the deal in spite of its complications).

The only glimmer of hope in this comes from my faint remembrances of some of the things I worked on the last time I was in school. I always got fired up whenever we would discuss social issues. Often I chose to take a contrary view to my peers and I always favor speaking on behalf of those who seem disadvantaged or otherwise unable to act (or speak) on their own behalf. Whether it is homelessness in urban America, third-world poverty, HIV (or other global health issues) and the orphans it is causing in Africa, or simply the overwhelming imbalance in today's economy that makes it so challenging for ordinary hard-working people to afford typical housing right here in our own country. I'm always thinking about the problems without the ability to arrive at conclusions about solutions. Sure I feel more and more capable of grasping the complexities involved, but the more I understand of a given problem the more complex the problem seems to become. For every step toward understanding the end seems two steps further away!

I feel the same way about my own life. The more I understand of myself the more questions I have about what ultimately could make me happy. I don't want to make it sound like I'm an unhappy person, though I do clearly see that I cannot be satisfied by the same simpler pleasures of my youth. I feel a more compelling pull to matter, not just to others but also to my self.

It is with this thought I will leave you in the capable hands of this song written by Brian Burton.

Peace!