"we don't have a button for that..."

OK, I'm going Spurlock today!

I haven't been to the worlds most notorious fast food joint in months, but after running a few errands (including picking up some medication I desperately needed to take... with food) after work I decided to pull in hoping to get some breakfast (no luck--I was three minutes too late after all).

Instead I ordered a couple burgers, a small fry and a large ice water. I never get any argument anymore when I order a large ice water. They used to try to sell me bottled water but I kept protesting that Dasani is far from what I desire to quench my thirst. However, when I pulled around to my disappointment I was handed a weird looking child size cup that didn't have the McDonalds logo or any of their contracted beverage suppliers (most likely a 12 oz cup).

Does anyone have any clue where I am going with this so far?

Anyway, I hardly enjoy discussing my tendency toward the fast-food establishments, especially this one. However, admittedly I do go more often than I should. Perhaps the only reason it hasn't killed me yet is that a few years ago I had an epiphany that just because I don't have the time to cook for myself 3 times a day doesn't mean that I have to conform to their system of caloric intake. I decided that I wouldn't drink anymore soda and while I have backed off slightly from making a religion out if it I still usually ask for water instead of soda for the sake of better health. For the sake of making the world a simpler place, and cleaner, I steer away from the bottled variety. Bottled water is shipped all the way across the country in most cases at great expense, not to mention the bottles will eventually end up in a landfill no matter how many times they are recycled.

So what, you ask?

I'm a big boy and when I am thirsty I am, for the lack of a better word, thirsty! Should I get served a 32 oz cup when I ask for a large cola, but a 12 oz cup when I ask for a large water? If you are ahead of me as I am sure you are you might be asking yourself why doesn't he just protest and ask for a bigger cup? Surely they'll cave in if you just hint at making an ass of yourself.

Way ahead of you. I always do. I always insist that I asked for a large water and whatever they are handing me is definitely not large. They usually say try to make some excuse but eventually cave in. Sometimes they will insist that they cannot give me a large but will give me a medium. I always consider this a small victory anyway.

However, at McDonnalds I was told I could have 2 water cups, but they would not give me a large cup of water. I laughed at the woman and asked why not and she said "because we don't have a button for that."

Can you believe it? I almost lost it, but realizing that McDonalds does not hold the highest standards even in the fast food industry for employee intelligence and/or competency (which is generally admirable because someone needs to offer theses people the opportunity to contribute to society) I did not want to point out how stupid she was.

At this point though I will point out how stupid you are if you haven't already figured out the solution to her little conundrum yourself (since I don't necessarily know you or if you fall into this category in the first place): she could have just pushed the button a few times until the cup was full!

So while I have now heard dozens of excuses for why they cannot give me a large ice water at this and other fast food restaurants, this one was perhaps the most ludicrous. I already know the real reason. Certain types of penny pinching managers feel that giving away free cups of water is contrary to their mission of profit seeking, so they push the sodas which have the highest profit margin of all the food served in fast-food restaurants. While you most certainly have the right to ask for a water in any restaurant, fast or not, it is never encouraged because short sighted individuals tend to assume it reduces their bottom line.

On the other hand, when I am out at a restaurant or bar and I ask for water, if the person serving it keeps on top of things and keeps the glass full (as I can put it away faster than anyone I know and I hate having to wait for them to come fill an empty glass), I will generally add 5-10% to what I normally tip. While the restaurant doesn't directly make any money in that situation, it still benefits them if their employees are making better money in tips they stick around longer and the overall staff turnover and customer satisfaction statistics are better which does help their bottom line.

I don't know if the fast food industry will ever get a clue, but the places I frequent the most know I usually order water and they never protest giving me a large cup. They know I'll be back and I'll order food again. Keeping the customer happy is still the best key to success and the difference in cost between a small cup and a large cup is never worth losing potential repeat business.

Peace,

Brian